Cam’s Blog

I have been surrounded with expectation all my life. And it has turned me into a pleaser.My parents have upped the ante a little bit higher with their child-raising and the result is an obsessive-compulsive pleaser–which means that I THRIVE to please and expectations feed the constant need to please. It’s a vicious cycle.

So, i was never the irritating little girl who throws a tantrum on the toy store because her mom won’t buy her the newest Polly Pocket. I was the annoying little girl who sings and dances on parties. I was never the angsty, black-eye-linered teen. I was the perky, annoying grade-hungry, scheming teacher’s pet.

I’m not saying this is an entirely bad thing. In fact, i probably wouldn’t have done half of what i have accomplished without these expectations. All I’m saying, is that it sometimes SUCK– having the constant need to plan everything.Hating surprises.Not being able to do anythig on a whim.Being boring.

But these past few weeks, I was seriously considering doing something on a whim. I was ready to drop everything and make the biggest mistake of my life. I WANTED to make the mistake. This is a good thing. But as it turned out, the mistake could not materialize, not because i didnt want it to, but because it just wasnt meant to materialize. And this broke my heart terribly. I felt trapped inside this other-pleasing but self-loathing monster.

So I am going to do the best remedy that i know, writing. My laptop is filled with journal entry after journal entry, none of which appears on my blog. Why? Because journalling is supposed to be therapeutic while blogging is freaking stressful for the OC-inflicted pleaser. She imagines the whole world scrutinizing her grammar, her sentence construction, her style, her content, oops! she used a cliche! So, she writes about things that she thinks others may actually enjoy reading, and it takes her two days to write, revise, check and recheck every single detail. The result is a very likeable blog entry that everybody can relate to and a very stressed out dissatisfied blogger.Well i am damned sick of it. I am finally succumbing to blogging about  whatever i damn want.  I will write about things that nobody else understands but reflects what i feel. I will be sickeningly, pathetically emo. I will be a complete cheesball. I will be a shallow airhead. oh yes i will write poems and no they will not rhyme. And i will commit the biggest mistake of all, the cliche. 

In the words of my wonderfully screwed friend, i.d.g a.f.

Feels good.feels very good.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, April 10th, 2007 at 12:47 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.